I’m not feeling especially good today. I’ve had up days and down days, even a few up and down days, where I felt really good followed by basically crummy. All in all, crummy tends to win. What I need is a feel good pill, whatever that would be. I don’t need to feel dopy, just good, and good seems to be the most difficult state to achieve. I felt good on the bus the other day. The air was clean and warm. The countryside sped by with unusual charm. Even the oddball passengers seemed pleasant. But on the way home that night I struggled to keep my eyes open. Struggled to keep my thoughts in order. Dreaded the final walk home. A pill would be easy, but ineffective, depending on what the pill was. Maybe a few hits off someone’s joint. There must be good reasons for that. Naps can’t be the only answer. I wake from naps wondering what day it is, trying to remember why it was so important to crawl into bed, and what I was doing when that happened. When I’m finally awake, it seems like days have passed, and now there’s only night to get through, and night means sleeping and waking, sleeping and waking every two hours to make sure I drain properly. By the time morning arrives, dialysis has taken all my energy, left me slightly confused, tired enough that it’s a long walk to the bathroom, confused enough that making coffee is a chore, and the chance that feeling good is slim or none. There must be a cure for that, but I haven’t found it. I know it’s not coffee and oatmeal, but I also know that without the first step there are no others. So bleary-eyed I conclude, I’m not feeling especially good today, and realize I’ve had up days and down days, even a few up and down days…