I was told that Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief helps kids learn about Greek Mythology. I'm not sure that's true. It may be. Percy (Perceus, get it?) is pretty much like us (the target audience) except he has super powers. You know, 'cause his dad was umm… You know… Umm… Neptune? (Very good.) For the sacrifice of two hours in a darkened room with pop corn, candy and coke, you receive the opportunity to learn that Uma Thermon has snakes instead of hair 'cause, like, this girl's mom got really pissed about something. She turns people into statues by taking off their… Wait. Umm… Her sunglasses? And you learn that someone named Luke — probably where Luke Skywalker came from — steals Zeus's thunder. Damn. I gave the plot away. I wasn't going to do that. He's, like, the son of this god with… Umm… Wings? On his shoes? But they never say how he stole the… Umm… Thunder thing? But, I think it's 'cause he's so good at video games. He has, like, three widescreen TVs and all this electronic shit. Un-be-lieve-able. And you learn, like, never eat candy that looks like flowers 'cause it makes you forget stuff and, big girls are the best at sword fighting, and… Wait. ADHD is like — Ready? — Greek God Syndrome. It's why lots of people probably can't read. I thought it was pretty cool. They steal this Maserati. I like Greek Mythology. But I wouldn't, like, miss Survivors for it.

Oh, yeah, Rosario Dawson was totally hot.