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Love at First Bite was a vampire movie that was also a comedy. It starred George Hamilton as Count Vladimir Dracula, Richard Benjamin as a psychiatrist and Susan Saint James as the woman comically between them. The movie is now thirty years old, though George Hamilton hasn't aged a day. Tied to Freudian analysis, it allowed for all the cute intellectual jokes one might expect, including a doctor as neurotic as his patient, left searching for closure. A movie for adults.

The Vampire's Assistant is a children's movie only thinly disguised as adult entertainment. Salma Hayek's dark eyes and protruding breasts easily satisfy the adult interest requirement. Still, it's a boy meets girl story, even if the boy is an aspiring vampier and the girl — has a tail. Details. Where in the world all the spectacular freaks come from, and why there are so many more of them is this world than in ours, is never addressed. Nor does the movie have any theological, philosophical or even sociological message. None that I could detect, unless being good to your friends and true to yourself counts. It's a kids movie.

There's not a single sick joke that you laugh at and then swear wasn't funny, but several that I still remember and chuckle at. Not the ones that involve cute little monster things — those got the biggest laughs. They sprinkle the stew of this movie with magical laughter, but once laughed at, they are immediately abandoned. There's a good boy and a bad boy, good vampires and… Well, I won't ruin it for you. Suffice it to say that someone somewhere is homing in on part three. There's a powerhouse behind this one. Some of my favorite people are responsible for it. Plus, it has really cute kids.

Juvenile is the new adult.
 
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